A disconcerting dream...

I don't generally remember my dreams, so let me start by saying it's odd I even remember this dream.  To remember it so vividly as well, this is what disconcerts me the most.  

I dreamed that I was sitting at the kitchen table in my parents' home (the way it looked before they remodeling).  Mom and I were sitting at the table with a pastor that I know from a church I've visited a couple of times in my travels.  I'm not sure where Dad was, but he was somewhere in another room.  Anyway, either Mom or the pastor said something, and my response, though not actual swear words, was something impertinent and taken to be the equivalent of swearing.  The pastor looked at me and said "That's not a very faithful thing to say."  I sat up in my chair, got in his face, and said "I'm struggling with my faith right now and I'm trying to find my way and it's hard.  When you say something like that to me, it makes me want to quit trying and walk away. "  I was quite brusque in my tone, and Dad came into the room and told me that I was being rude to our guest (my parents have never met this pastor, to my knowledge).  I looked at my dad and told him what the pastor had said to me, then told him of my response, and then said, "In fact, I've lost my appetite, so I'm going to leave now.", and left the room.  

Then I woke up with my thoughts and words swirling around in my head.  Truth be told, I am struggling with my faith a little.  I look around me and see difficult times and poor decisions flying every which way in my own life and the lives of my friends, and I wonder where God is in all of this mess.  My religious background tells me that God is here with me, with each and every one of us, as we seek a way forward to better days.  My heart tells me that I'm not dealing with this all alone.  My head tells me to move on, move forward, and forget about it.  I see people using God as an excuse and explanation all the time, but I don't see God at work.  I see selfish desires, fear of loneliness, fear of being forgotten and overlooked, and greed driving so many things around me.  In my own heart, I see jealousness, loneliness, hurt, confusion, anger, frustration, loss, and apathy.  I don't believe those who say that if I pray hard enough and do enough good that God will grant my heart's desires.  My religious background has taught me that I can do nothing to earn God's grace and mercy, it is a free gift.  With that, however, it means there's no contract, I do these things and help these people and say these things and God will do what I want.  God has control, and sometimes God, like any good parent, says no.  My head and my heart know these things, but they're having trouble following along and trusting the path that God has set before me.  Why does it matter what I say or what I do, if at the end of my days God forgives my transgressions and sets me free yet again?  

These are the things I struggle with.  Why does it matter?  Why does what I see in daily life not match with the promises God makes?  Why should I believe?  What do I believe, and what do I reject?