Google Reader

This whole Google Reader thing is a lot easier and more fun than I thought it would be.  Huh, guess I should have joined the bandwagon sooner!

A disconcerting dream...

I don't generally remember my dreams, so let me start by saying it's odd I even remember this dream.  To remember it so vividly as well, this is what disconcerts me the most.  

I dreamed that I was sitting at the kitchen table in my parents' home (the way it looked before they remodeling).  Mom and I were sitting at the table with a pastor that I know from a church I've visited a couple of times in my travels.  I'm not sure where Dad was, but he was somewhere in another room.  Anyway, either Mom or the pastor said something, and my response, though not actual swear words, was something impertinent and taken to be the equivalent of swearing.  The pastor looked at me and said "That's not a very faithful thing to say."  I sat up in my chair, got in his face, and said "I'm struggling with my faith right now and I'm trying to find my way and it's hard.  When you say something like that to me, it makes me want to quit trying and walk away. "  I was quite brusque in my tone, and Dad came into the room and told me that I was being rude to our guest (my parents have never met this pastor, to my knowledge).  I looked at my dad and told him what the pastor had said to me, then told him of my response, and then said, "In fact, I've lost my appetite, so I'm going to leave now.", and left the room.  

Then I woke up with my thoughts and words swirling around in my head.  Truth be told, I am struggling with my faith a little.  I look around me and see difficult times and poor decisions flying every which way in my own life and the lives of my friends, and I wonder where God is in all of this mess.  My religious background tells me that God is here with me, with each and every one of us, as we seek a way forward to better days.  My heart tells me that I'm not dealing with this all alone.  My head tells me to move on, move forward, and forget about it.  I see people using God as an excuse and explanation all the time, but I don't see God at work.  I see selfish desires, fear of loneliness, fear of being forgotten and overlooked, and greed driving so many things around me.  In my own heart, I see jealousness, loneliness, hurt, confusion, anger, frustration, loss, and apathy.  I don't believe those who say that if I pray hard enough and do enough good that God will grant my heart's desires.  My religious background has taught me that I can do nothing to earn God's grace and mercy, it is a free gift.  With that, however, it means there's no contract, I do these things and help these people and say these things and God will do what I want.  God has control, and sometimes God, like any good parent, says no.  My head and my heart know these things, but they're having trouble following along and trusting the path that God has set before me.  Why does it matter what I say or what I do, if at the end of my days God forgives my transgressions and sets me free yet again?  

These are the things I struggle with.  Why does it matter?  Why does what I see in daily life not match with the promises God makes?  Why should I believe?  What do I believe, and what do I reject?

I just witnessed history

Not only did I witness history, I participated in history.  This election would have been unheard of 10 years ago when I had my first opportunity to vote.  Heck, this election would have been unheard of 5 years ago.  An African American man was elected the next President of the United States of America.  I'm sitting here on my couch listening to the news reports, watching Jesse Jackson cry on the TV screen, and realizing that this hope was not even considered possible 4 years ago.  I was lucky to hear Mr. Jackson speak live a few years ago, and I know he thought he'd never see this day in his lifetime.  To be honest, I never thought I would see this day in my lifetime.  Our country has issues, problems, and faults that will take at least my entire lifetime to resolve.  But today, I feel a rare joy in being an American citizen.  Today, I am honored and would shout it from the rooftops.  I witnessed and participated in history.  Congratulations, Senator Obama, I look forward to the day you take your post as President.

So, the plan to blog on a regular basis obviously didn't work out so well, as this is the first post since April.  Oops.  Funny thing is, the link sits in my bookmarks toolbar, mocking me on a daily basis.  Such is life.

I'm finding that my knitting passion waxes and wanes on an almost weekly basis.  When I have new projects or test knits, I'm a knitting fiend, without regard to the state of my hand, arm, and back muscles.  When I'm solely facing down the ever growing pile of WIPs, I find myself playing on Ravelry instead of knitting.  

I've finished 2 hats in the past couple of days, one a request from a friend and one a test knit. The first of the 2 hats was for my friend.  She's a knitting Muggle, so I hope she realizes I'm not going to just start over if she doesn't like what I made.  I picked a few patterns I thought she'd like and told her that she could either pick one or I'd set her up with the Ravelry pattern browser.  She chose the Eyelet Hat from Knit Simple magazine, Holiday 2008.  We discussed colors in depth (she wanted IA State red), and whether or not it should be washable (yes).  So I went with Brown Sheep Lamb's Pride Superwash worsted in Shane's Red.  Being that she's in IA and I'm in NC, it's not like I can easily show her a picture.  The color on their website is WAY off on my monitor, so who knows how it might look to her.  Lord help her if she doesn't like the finished product, there's only so much I can do when one wants a unique color of red in superwash.  

The test knit was for a Ravelry friend, and a Malabrigo project.  Now, get used to the word Malabrigo in this blog.  I seriously think it's one of those words that needs to become so much more than just a company name.  Malabrigo, if you've never held it in your hands, is far and away the softest wool I have ever touched.  I love the stuff, and will knit with it until my fingers fall off (and my stash reflects my love for this yarn).  It's heaven to knit with and heaven to wear.  I also adore the kettle-dyed nature of the colorways.  The colorways of this yarn speak to my spirit in a way that few other things do.  The semi-solids create such interesting visual texture, and the variegated yarns have bursts of color to match my every mood.  It's beautiful stuff.  

Enough with the blithering on about Malabrigo, the test knit.  It's an interesting piece, definitely not a hat I would have made of my own accord, but it is growing on me.  I think I'm going to loop down the little point at the top, but otherwise I think it's not such an odd thing to wear.  At this point I'm just hoping to block it enough that it will fit my head comfortably.  I seem to have become a much tighter knitter than when I started long ago.  I hope I can get my gauge loosened up a bit though, it's easier on my hands and it's more in line with the way my Nana taught me to knit.  

One of these days I'll start adding photos and whatnot, but for now I think I'll just try and get myself to the point where I'm blogging regularly.  

short note

It's been a couple of days, but not much has happened.
Visited a massage therapist today, as my back muscles decided to form a knot around a nerve and squeeze the heck out of it. I love massage therapy. Would be even better if health insurance companies recognized the health benefits and were willing to pay.
Haven't been knitting much, mostly looking for new patterns. For some reason, I'm on a toy kick, pattern-wise. Who knows whether or not I'll actually knit them up, but it's fun to see the different constructions.
Still on the countdown to moving back to home-land again. Time seems to be ticking by really slowly. Ugh.

short rambling

Not much to say today. Last night after posting I finished a couple more repeats of the Clapotis scarf that's been on the needles for a while. It's really working up beautifully in the Mirasol Hacho I'm using. It's going to be narrower than the pattern calls for, as I want it to be more of a scarf width than a shawl or wrap. I may or may not post work-in-progress pictures at some point.
I enjoy seeing my knitting as it evolves into something more than a long string, watching one strand of yarn that's however thin or thick transform into fabric. A wrap or garment that's intended to keep someone warm, provide comfort in times of distress, or even just make someone feel appreciated. Knitting reminds me of times with family and friends, putting pieces of life together, and watching something new and wonderful come out of something thin and delicate.
On the flip side, I don't really want to look back at where something was when it was half finished. There's something sad to me about unfinished things, unfinished issues, an unfinished life. I know that someday I'll probably be halfway through a project that I'll not be around to finish, but I hope that there will be people who will pick up what's there and somehow make it into something complete. Maybe that's the beauty of it all, there are always people around to pick things up and continue what we've done with them. It's how we continue and stay close to the people who mean the most to us.

I've spent a lot of time on the Ravelry boards today, checking in on people's projects, ideas, and the multitude of ways people connect with one another. I think the groups tab is probably one of my favorite places on the site, because it seems like there's something for everybody. There are a bazillion ways to connect with others, to find people who share the same interests, cares, concerns, and interests. Granted, there's nothing like face-to-face interaction with another human being, but I think it's pretty dang awesome that it's almost impossible to feel alone in cyber-land.

My ramblings aren't as short as I intended, but I am going to stop now. G'night.

Fresh Start

I decided I needed a fresh start, a new way to organize my life and adventures. What better way to do that then to begin an entirely new blog, one (mostly) devoted to knitting and what it does for my life and psyche.
Knitting. Yep, that's what I do. It's how I fill my quiet times, destress, and often how I connect with other people. I feel like the people I know the best down here in my 2nd life land are fellow knitters. There's something satisfying and yet sad about realizing that the proprietors of the local yarn shops (LYS, for the knitting muggles), people I barely know, are the people that feel the most familiar to me. I have more fulfilling conversations with people in online knitting communities than I do with people at work or in the community. It's a little frightening to realize that if I didn't have knitting to get me out of the house looking for yarn, I'd probably never leave my house except for work.
Don't get me wrong, folks. I have friends, in fact I have a lot of wonderful friends. Problem is they're all back in home-land. Why do I live in 2nd life land? Well, I moved here for graduate school. Was in a program for a year and realized I wanted to be a researcher/professor about as much as I wanted to gouge my eyes out. :) I dropped out of the program, but moving wasn't really an option, because I felt like there were still things I needed to learn about myself, and I didn't see the point of continuing a nomadic life when I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my future. So I stayed here, in 2nd life land. I'm a 2-day drive from home-land, and of course as the cost of fuel rises, the mere mention of making a trip home makes my credit cards cry.
So here I stand. I can do no other. I'm learning about myself and my life, and knitting carries me through. There's a lot more to me and how I got here, but that will all come out in time. Until then, I'll be wrapping fiber around needles, and learning about me in the process.